Oh if I could just win the lottery and not have to worry about a job, bills, and whatever other expenses; eat what I want, workout 5 hours a day, etc… LIFE would be so much easier. Right? I’m sure someone out there could tell me otherwise but I don’t know that life, so it’s just a world of what ifs.

And well, I haven’t won the lottery, so I have to worry about all the things. And sometimes finding balance in my life is hard. I’ve learned with being a mom of 3 boys, life will not be simple or easy. There are curveballs pretty much on a daily basis. You learn to deal. Take a deep breath, know the world is going to keep spinning and do damage control the best you can. Or just cry. That’s my go to give-up. But sometimes crying gives me clarity. Just get it all out and start over.

And sometimes I lose balance because I’ve made a poor decision. OR maybe it wasn’t a poor decision at the time, but in reflection, I realize what a dum dum move I made.

But that’s life and we are human and we aren’t perfect. I say that a lot. NOT PERFECT. Why? Because in this world of social media where everything LOOKS PERFECT, we as individuals want to find that perfection. Guess what folks? It’s not there! It’s an illusion, A mirage. I feel, though, we moms, dads, etc… see all those smiling faces and fancy vacations and feel like we might not live up to everyone else’s pie-in-the-sky life.

What you didn’t see is the major temper tantrum every kid put up a few hours before the perfect sunset picture on the beach. What you didn’t see is that mom and dad got in a big argument before the massive birthday party of their precious 5 year old. What you didn’t see is that although they are vacationing on the beach, the bills aren’t getting paid at home. Or if you’re me, losing my shit on my kids, cause they all have some sort of excuse why the tiniest tasks didn’t get taken care of at home. I don’t want to lose it, but sometimes I break. We all do. We are not perfect.

Of course we are going to put our best foot forward on social media. Nobody is going to show the behind the scenes. Nevertheless that doesn’t make you less of a person. That doesn’t make you less respectable. It makes you… YOU! And you have to own you and all your goodness and all your faults too. Cause we are not PERFECT. And why would we want to be like someone else. Be YOU and LOVE YOU!

It’s hard I know. I’m at fault for seeing “fit” people all of the time and kicking myself for not keeping it together from my youth. Why didn’t I just workout more? Why didn’t I take care of myself better? Why did I let myself gain so much weight when I was pregnant? Remember when you were 105lbs and didn’t even think twice about weight? Remember when you were 25 years old, 3 kids later and weighed 140lbs and thought you were a walrus? Well how about now fatty mcfatterson? You let yourself go. And YOU will NEVER get it back.

Those thoughts, unfortunately, still run rampant in my head. All day, everyday.

It’s no fun. It’s not rewarding. It’s a bad attitude. And it’s me. I’m trying to bust out of that negativity. I’m trying to eat better. I’m trying to workout more. I’m TRYING and it’s a work in progress. It’s not going to get better overnight but there is some reward in seeing little things change.

Little by little, I’m telling myself I’m PROUD of me. I’m PROUD of the changes I’m making. I’m PROUD that my kids see strength in me. I’m PROUD of the discipline I am learning.

It’s going to take time to knock the negativity out but I will do it. You can do it too!

Workouts

I’m not going to recap all my workouts for the past week. But I will tell you, I’ve struggled this week with the “want-to”, I didn’t wanna show up the whole week. But I forced myself to do it. And I struggled in the workouts. My energy was low. I was super whiny. But I did do the work. And I pushed.

I’m super thankful to Sandra for inspiring me and Britt for pushing me. They show up and they are consistent. It helps me want to show up because I know one or both will be there. Britt is in my ear softly pushing me. And it’s not an annoying push. It’s subtle but persistent. And Sandra has come back, like me, after being off and inconsistent and she is pushing, she is fighting. I see her and want to push the same way.

And they aren’t the only two, but in the past couple of weeks they are the two that I’m relating to most. The whole box is full of motivating and inspiring folks. I could not do this without any of them!

A small win out of all of this was that I got a 5lb PR on my Snatch. That’s not a big PR but it’s big enough for me. I’m mental when it comes to dropping under the bar, plain and simple. I know I can do more weight but it’s a mental battle. And for a long time I’ve been stuck at 85lbs. Now I know I can actually do more weight. It was ugly but it happened. Thanks to Coach Lizzy and Travis for pushing me.

Another lengthy post, I know! I have so much many things circling in my head. And I get off track and I delete and then retype and go off on tangents. But in the end I hope you know it’s OK to struggle. It’s OK to not be perfect. Just change something small for the positive and you will start to see things changing for the better!

My heart and soul wants everyone to find their happiness in life, in fitness, in raising children, etc. Just know it’s there, but it starts with YOU!